Grandma's Picture by the Lamp

A note for the grown-up: Read the story and the three short lines aloud. This article does not explain death, compare it to sleep, say Grandma was taken, or tell the child where Grandma is. Scripture gives us firm ground for saying God is close to the brokenhearted child tonight. If your family has a carefully held belief about what follows death, speak it in your own words. Do not promise a dream, a sign, or that sadness will be gone by morning.

Now read this part to your child.

Mia turns Grandma's picture toward the pillow.

It usually faces the door. Tonight Mia wants to see it from bed.

In the picture, Grandma is laughing. Her glasses are a little crooked. Mia remembers that laugh. It was the kind of laugh that made other people laugh too.

Mia puts the picture beside the lamp.

"Can it stay there?" she asks.

"Yes," says Mum. "It can stay there."

Mia gets under the blanket. She looks at Grandma's face.

Looking makes her feel warm.

Looking also makes her sad.

Both feelings are in the room at the same time.

"I miss her," Mia says.

Mum puts one hand gently on Mia's back.

"You may miss her," Mum says. "And you are safe with me. God is close to us too."

Can Grandma's picture stay by the lamp when looking at it makes you happy and sad together?

Yes. It can.

A note for the grown up, before you read anything aloud

This part is for you and it is never read to the child.

You will want to explain where she is. Most of the pressure you are feeling at this bed is the pressure to answer that, and you are allowed to put it down: nothing below explains it, and nothing below needs to.

And you are not required to have an answer tonight. Psalm 34:18 says the Lord is near to the broken hearted, and nearness is what you have been given to hand over rather than an explanation, and the Spirit is the one who makes near mean something to a small person.

And you have not failed your child by saying you do not know. Scripture is careful about what it states and silent about a great deal, and the Spirit is the one who keeps an honest I do not know from sounding like abandonment.

Three things these lines will not do. They will not say she was taken, or needed somewhere else, or wanted by God, because every one of those makes God the one who removed her. They will not use sleep as the picture, because your child has to sleep tonight in that room. And they will not ask your child to stop missing her.

And you were never asked to make the sadness stop before bedtime. His word puts God close to the hurting rather than waiting for them to cheer up, and the Spirit is the one who stays in a room where nothing has been fixed.

And you are held in this as much as your child is. Scripture says He is near to them that are of a broken heart, and it does not check ages first, and the Spirit is the one who carries the grown up who is doing the carrying.

Keep your voice ordinary. A comfort sounds like the person saying it is hoping; a fact sounds like the weather.

And you have something true to say that does not depend on how you say it. The written word is what these lines stand on, and the Holy Spirit is what makes them more than words at the end of a long day.

A true thing for tonight

The Bible says:

The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart.Psalm 34:18

Nigh means close.

When your heart hurts because you miss Grandma, God is close.

You do not have to stop being sad before He comes close.

You do not have to hide the picture.

You do not have to smile at it every time.

Some nights you may want the picture near you. Some nights you may want it turned away. You can tell your grown-up what feels kind tonight.

God is close on both kinds of night.

Three things the picture remembers

Mum asks, "What is one thing Grandma liked?"

Mia thinks.

"Yellow flowers," she says.

"What is one sound you remember?"

"Her laugh."

"What is one thing she did with you?"

"She let me stir the cake. Even when flour went everywhere."

Mum smiles. "Those are three good things to remember."

Mia smiles too. Then her smile goes away.

That is alright.

A remembering smile does not have to stay on your face. It can come for one little memory and leave when the sad comes back.

You never have to play the remembering game. If you want to, your grown-up can ask one small question. If you do not want to, the picture can sit quietly.

The picture does not ask you to perform. It does not ask you to tell a happy story. It only gives your eyes somewhere gentle to rest.

What we know and what we do not know

You may ask where Grandma is.

That is an important question. Your grown-up may have words your family uses when you talk about it.

Tonight, we will not make up an answer.

We will say what the Bible says clearly: God is close to you when your heart hurts.

Close means you can talk to Him.

You can say, "God, I miss Grandma."

You can say nothing and let your grown-up hold your hand.

You can look at the picture.

You can close your eyes.

None of these choices is wrong.

You may also tell your grown-up, "I do not want to talk now."

That is a full sentence.

Your grown-up can stay without asking another question. Quiet care is still care.

If you wake in the night and the picture makes the missing feel too big, call your grown-up. You are not bothering them. A small person with a big feeling is allowed to ask for help.

The safe part

Sad and safe can happen together.

Sad does not always mean something bad is happening now. Sometimes sad means you love someone who is not here.

Safe means your grown-up is here to care for you.

Safe means you may ask a question.

Safe means you may cry or not cry.

Safe means God is close to your hurting heart.

You do not have to be brave for your grown-up. You do not have to make them feel better. You are allowed to be small and loved.

If any grown-up ever makes you feel unsafe, telling another safe grown-up is always right. You never have to keep scary secrets.